Parents Are Not Perfick

My son Brandon (8) began taking karate instruction in November. He's really doing great, and I am impressed with his intensity and ability to learn so quickly. I'm most impressed with his ability to remain focused.

Brandon is a wonderful boy, does very well in school, and has a super golden heart. He's also what I would call "all-out BOY", and in most things outside of school-work it is difficult for him to "be still" long enough to completely take in the moment.

As I suspect most dads do, I want Brandon to be successful. I want him to be the best that he can be at whatever he does. Brandon and I have been working on his karate at home, and I see that it is really helping him. What's more important though is that Brandon can see that it's helping him. I know this because yesterday there was a transition in the nature of our home practice.

Previously, it has been difficult for Brandon to achieve the same level of focus and intensity at home as he displays in karate class. But not yesterday. I could see the concentration as he went through his patterns, and as he practiced his punches and kicks. I knew that the praises of his karate instructors during class had convinced him that our practices at home were effective. The one problem? He kept taking his eyes off of his "target" to look at me. He did this repeatedly, though I admonished him several times.

And all at once it hit me. My son just wanted to please his dad. He wanted me to be happy with his performance. I could see it in his face. I could feel it in his eyes. He knew that I was looking for perfection from him.

Oh oh. Perfection; I've blogged about that before. Did I fail at family again? Were my expectations of perfection from Brandon negatively affecting his desire to continue karate or possibly even damaging our relationship?

I try to remain conscious of how our relationship will continue to shape Brandon's understanding of the relationship he is called to have with God, his real Father; OUR real Father. In doing so though, I always learn more than I teach.

I pulled Brandon close to me, hugged him, and told him, "I know you're just trying to please me. I want you to know that I am very proud of you, and it pleases me just to know that you want to please me; and I always love you. Do the best you can, and let me help you to do better."

There's no problem with striving for perfection. In fact, God wants perfection from us as well (Matthew 5:48). I am far from a perfect dad, and that is never more evident than when I complete an examination of conscience. But after the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I hear Him reassure me:

"It pleases me just to know that you want to please me; and I always love you. Do the best you can, and let me help you to do better."

Are Your Children Hearing You?

Have you ever wondered if what you tell your children really makes a difference or if they even remember the lessons that you teach them? Well sometimes I wonder if I am being an effective parent, and I think that pretty much goes hand in hand with this question.

This morning, I told Brandon (7) to brush his teeth before leaving for school. "Yes, Daddy." Then he skirted around the corner and disappeared....for about 30 seconds! "Ok, Daddy, I'm ready", provoked one of my favorite expressions,

"Brandon, you have GOT to be kidding me!"

I saw a "teachable moment" so I asked him if he wanted me and other people to be able to trust him with big things. When he affirmed that he did I told him,

"Brandon, if you want people to trust you with big things, you have to show that you can be trusted with little things first." 

I could tell just from the expression on his face that he got it, and then without another word, he was off to complete the task for real this time.

There's really no doubt in my mind that this will stick with Brandon. We try to instill the proper values in the boy, and even when it seems as though it's not all sinking in, I know that when it really counts, these things will return to him. Case in point; last year among other achievements   Brandon won "The Honesty Award". This was my favorite.

Why? Because it was not only a proud moment for me as a father, I knew that it was a "handing-down" of lessons I learned as a boy from my own father. One of my very first memories is of my dad telling me

"The three things I ask of you are to treat your mother with respect, always try your best, and never lie." - George Vogt, III (Dad)

Even today, I remember that he wrote these words (that he had already written upon my heart) in my Kindergarten signature book.

Now, I know that there have been times in my life when I have failed these principles, but they are always there in my mind and heart, prompting me to be a better person, a better man. Little things that my parents said and did, that they may not even remember, have helped me countless times to choose to do right, and sometimes to choose to do the better thing even though I had already lost my way or chosen the wrong thing first.

This is assurance for me, not only with Brandon, but with all of my children, that some of these little lessons have helped them and will continue to guide them in the future.