"Who is the patron saint of nagging wives?"
The past week had been quite draining on me as there were concerns about family in the path of Hurricane Isaac, and some even bigger spiritual and emotional storms. I have a bad habit of not eating well during such times, which is not really good for someone with a history of diabetes, and she was "lovingly nagging" (not my description) at me to take better care of myself. I guess I had that "husband mode" look on my face, provoking the question.
Saints and Silliness
Since I could not find a patron saint of nagging wives (shocker), I thought it would be fun to come up with one on my own, perhaps learning a little about the Catholic process of canonization along the way. I warn you though, that this is purely for fun and not intended to be real catechesis or anything like that. Thus, I present to you, Nagatha.
Virgin, Confessor, or Martyr?
First, we will have to distinguish whether Nagatha was a virgin, confessor or martyr since the process varies in the causes of each.
Assuming that Nagatha was a nagging wife herself, and having a consummated, Sacramental Marriage, let's eliminate the examination of her cause as a virgin.
Now, I know you're thinking I'm going to go for the martyr's cause since it's conceivable that Nagatha met an untimely demise due to her excessive nagging, but I'm leaning towards her husband being a good Catholic man who understands that Nagatha's irritability is truly the result of a caring heart, thus he calls on the Holy Spirit for the gift of Fortitude whenever violent images are aroused in his mind. (Love you Honey.)
So we will take up the cause for Nagatha as that of a confessor, not as in the confessor we visit in Reconciliation, but as in one whose life's example has shown heroic virtue in confessing the Christian Faith before the world.
I guess Nagatha's husband would either have been someone very influential wherein Nagatha would have had an exponential influence upon "the world" or Nagatha's nagging itself would have had to have been world-renown.
Nagatha's Cause Begins
We'll have to speed things up a bit, and you'll have to fill in some of the names and places and other particulars in your own head.
Ok, we'll need a Vice-Postulator to get things rolling with the Processus, handling the Informative Inquiries, instituting the Processes de Non Cultu (no public prayer), and Processiculi Diligentiarum, which is the examination of writings. I hope her husband kept all of those sticky notes and "honey do" lists.
The vice-postulator will get all of that to the Congregation of Rites, where it will see a portitor, some judges, maybe get translated, copied, given to a cardinal as relator of the cause (not to be confused with a Realtor) deputed by the pope. Somewhere along the way, Nagatha is declared "Servant of God" (bells, harps, and angelic voices singing, "Ahhhhhhh" please).
Some theologians get involved with re-working those sticky notes and lists, questions have to be answered, the cardinals of the CoR receive the positio 40 days (hmm) before the official review. If everything's ok, they issue a decree of or to (I'm confused) quod in causâ procedi possit ad ulteriora.
To Veneration and Beyond!
They do some debating and stuff and then if all goes well, they issue another decree and ask the pope to sign it. Very interesting to me is that the pope signs this decree in his baptismal name and not his pontifical name. It is at this point that Nagatha is given the title "Venerable" (more bells, harps, and angelic voices singing, "Ahhhhhhh" please).
They start looking for miracles, asking for the help of bishops in partibus, and an inchoative process is started to protect the ne pereant probationes.
While all of this is going on there are debates and discussions behind the scenes. At this point, I'm thinking I would have had less writing to do if Nagatha was a martyr. Only miracles which are attributed to Nagatha after she is declared venearble may be considered.
Super Virtutibus beats a holy cow any day
They continue looking at the miracles, proceeding with things such as more paperwork (super miraculis) to determine super virtutibus, employing the help of 2 physicians along the way, etc. There "class" of proven miracles will determine how many are actually required. After a single "first class" miracle is proven, or the correct formula needed for second, third, or fourth class miracles is reached (along with the corresponding processes of course), the pope will announce such.
There will be another meeting of the CoR where they will again debate, but thankfully "only once" to proceed with the solemnities of beatification. The pope then issues a pontifical brief and our Nagatha is now Beatus or Blessed (even more bells, harps, and angelic voices singing, "Ahhhhhhh" please).
Fire the cannon...I mean Canon!
Nagatha's cause for sainthood now rests upon the proof and processes for the second miracle (or whatever the correct formula dependent upon class). Of course the CoR meet about all of this three more times, and if they're all "good with that" then they hold a super tuto. The pope then issues a Bull of Canonization and Nagatha officially becomes St. Nagatha!!!! (ultimate amount of bells, harps, and angelic voices singing, "Ahhhhhhh" please).
Another and final disclaimer: This post is intended to be fun and only slightly educational. I used a few sources of information but based the post mainly on information at New Advent. Blessings.