Viva la Vida: Kendra's Call, Part 2 (Sort of)

A while back I started this Viva la Vida series. In it, I have been highlighting some significant events during the course of my life with respect to faith and family. I have never set out to make chronological posts, rather a sort of mash-up of events.

Although with this post I am continuing the story of when Kendra (my wife) first heard the call (the call of the Holy Spirit, that is), it also is not an exact chronology of events.

But if you haven't read it yet, you'll want to click here to read part 1 first.

And for a little fun, all subtitles today are brought to you by the band Boston.

Can'tcha Say You Believe in Me

Patience has never been one of my strong suits, and I have never been comfortable giving up control. I don't even like sitting in the passenger seat of a vehicle very much.

After being strengthened in my certainty that God was truly calling me to reconcile my relationship with Him, and of course wanting to share this relationship to Him with Kendra, I made some mistakes that I think a lot of Christians make. I pushed a bit too much. Also, I attempted to "get through" to her by some of the same means that God used to get through to me.

These are 2 very big no no's. God doesn't push, He pulls. And since we are all unique, He calls each of us in unique ways however similar they may seem on the surface. Kendra needed to experience God in her own way, not mine. And I could not control that.

I very distinctly remember one night, praying as I was driving home from work. As I stated in the last post

The whole thing was taking a toll on our marriage. And why not? I was no longer the person she had married.

More Than a Feeling

I became very overwhelmed by my inability to "make her" believe. It was a similar "feeling" that I had when I had finally given in to God just a few months earlier - you know, finally surrendered. It was through that similarity in emotion that God reminded me that no one person and no one "event" had brought me back to Him. No, it was quite a collection of persons and happenings - and I realized that in some way, God used the whole experience of my life.

(More than a year after this realization, Fr. Timothy Heines stated in a Homily, "Conversion is not an emotion or a one-time experience. Conversion is a life-long process." I often remind myself of this in my self-reflection. It helps me from getting too high or too low on myself.)

But that night driving home, it was a sort of epiphany. I pulled on the side of the road at the Louisa Street exit in New Orleans. I told God that I realized what I was doing was not working, that I seemed to be making things worse not better. I told Him that I realized my job was to introduce Him to Kendra and to set a good example of the Christian life - that I realized that it was He that would truly draw her to Himself, and that I was simply one of many instruments that He wanted to use. I asked Him to help me to be patient.

Higher Power

I really meant that thing about "help me to be patient", but I guess God knew that would be a lot tougher task than reaching Kendra, because it was almost immediately that I saw a few small traces of His "working" on her. Little by little, we were having conversations about God that were started by Kendra, not by me.

While these were not always positive conversations, it was dialogue that needed to take place - and was assurance to me that somehow this was going to work out.

One example of this is the day Kendra agreed to have Brandon baptized. We were on a shopping trip to Target. I had been praying, asking God to help in this exact matter (the baptism). We had not done much talking during that 35 minute drive, but when I parked the car Kendra stated out of the clear blue, "I suppose you would like to have the baby baptized." I affirmed that was my desire, and she replied, "Well, I guess that's okay, but don't ask me to have anything to do with that." Agreed. Check. ("God, I trust you'll take care of that too." - and He did of course.)

The Journey

And so Brandon was baptized. Kendra was there. And now, she had revealed to me that God was stirring her heart to believe in Him.

I think about that now, and how difficult that conversation must have been for her. You know, no one likes to admit that they may have been wrong about something - about anything usually. Kendra is no different in that regards. I'm sure it was tough for her to bring up to me, but she stepped out of her comfort zone, asked what to do next, and when I left it to her to figure out between herself and God, well, He took over.

I said things were about to get different, and they were. This doesn't mean that they were always easier. Some tensions went away, but not all. I think much of this was my fault.

You see, Kendra began really challenging me in my Faith. She started asking questions - a lot of questions. "Why do Catholics do this?" and "Why do Catholics do that?" Well, quite honestly I began to realize that there were a lot of questions that she asked that I did not have a clue about - not a clue. That made me feel uncomfortable - very uncomfortable.

I thought that she was challenging my Faith because she was attempting to disprove it. My inability to properly defend the Faith blinded me to the reality that Kendra was earnestly seeking God, trying to find her way through the darkness. Kendra doe not do anything "on a whim", but rather researches everything. I didn't realize that she had begun her research of Catholicism.

"We drive by night. Nevertheless our reason penetrates the darkness enough to show us a little of the road ahead. It is by the light of reason that we interpret the signposts and make out the landmarks along our way." (The Ascent to Truth - Merton)

 A New World

In reality, this discomfort of mine was the best thing that could ever happen to me. It forced me to become a better Catholic, to do my own research to find out what the Faith really is about and teaches. I would no longer be a casual Catholic, but would begin to avail myself of the multitude of resources available - and the more I learned, the more I fell in love with this great Faith.

Along the way I discovered that Kendra had bought Catholicism For Dummies and enrolled herself in an online Catechism course. At first she said she was doing these things because she owed it to Brandon to know more about what the Catholic Faith teaches. But soon she too was wanting more.

Don't Look Back

A friend had suggested I read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Kendra agreed to read it together with me. I'm not sure if it was the first chapter or not, but very early in the book, Warren speaks of the importance of Baptism.

Kendra asked if I thought Baptism was important. I said I did, and we discussed why. Before I knew it, she was making an appointment to meet with Fr. Hayes.

We began to meet with Fr. Hayes about having our marriage convalidated and enrolling Kendra in RCIA. Kendra was attending Mass with me regularly and even became involved in a couple of ministries in our little small parish.

We attended our first RCIA meeting together.

Then came Hurricane Katrina.
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Other posts in the Viva la Vida series

Viva la Vida: When Kendra First Heard the Call

The day after Christmas; it's probably a day that many people spend trying to relax and recuperate. For some, it is a day to return to their jobs, trying to focus on their particular work, difficult as that may be.

Our garbage disposal broke during the afternoon on Christmas Eve. I'm not too good at repairing things or installing replacements, so I intended to buy a new disposal and pay someone to install it. But a friend suggested to me that it was an "easy fix", and although that generally means "only moderately difficult" for me, I was able to successfully get the job done.

Naturally I feel accomplished by this, and normally it would be noteworthy in the annals of Donkey-do's, but December 26 is already a special date to me - for multiple reasons, all of which are much more special than my figuring out some DIY task.

As I mentioned last year (in this post), December 26 is the feast day of my patron saint (Saint Stephen), the anniversary of Brandon's baptism, the anniversary of the first time Kendra attended Mass with me - when Kendra went all but kicking and screaming yet heard the Holy Spirit speaking to her, and one of many times God reminded me that He knows what He's doing, and it's best for me to get out of His way sometimes.

Get it together

It was 2004, and God had already been "working" on me. After more than a decade away I was attending Mass. With the help of my pastor (Fr. Dennis Hayes), my reconciliation and spiritual life were taking shape. Unfortunately, Kendra was not on board - not even close.

Unbaptized and perhaps best described as agnostic at the time, it's easy to understand why Kendra was confused by my seemingly sudden transformation. Until a person feels the tug of the Holy Spirit for themselves, it's difficult to comprehend what that means.

Compounding this was some not-so-positive experiences she had in the past and my mistake of thinking it was my responsibility to persuade or influence her to "find" Jesus. The whole thing was taking a toll on our marriage. And why not? I was no longer the person she had married.

Now we were at a point where I was beginning to learn that it was my responsibility to introduce my wife to Jesus, but that things would be best if I left the "real work" to Him - beginning to anyway.

Get her to the church - this time

Brandon was born on November 27, and although Kendra had already agreed that he could be baptized, there was never an agreement or commitment by her to attend or to have any part in it or his religious life whatsoever. In fact, hours before Mass that morning she told me that she thought she would just stay home. I casually said "Okay", and began getting ready - quietly telling God that I trusted Him, but that I would really appreciate if He would somehow get her to change her mind.

Soon afterward, Kendra began getting ready and said she would go. We would sit in the back row though, and she reminded me that this was not something that she was looking forward to. Check.

I'm so smart

Despite the tension, I was excited that she was coming. I was sure that she would really "get something" out of Fr. Dennis' Homily. Right up until the time that I realized it was the deacon's weekend to preach.

"Come on God! What are You doing? This is not the way I planned it." Those are the exact words that went through my head as Deacon Al Miester was about to begin speaking. Instantly though, bumps raised on my arms, and I could feel the blood escaping from my face along with a tingle down my neck and back.

God reminded me that I am a silly little man, that He is God, and He knows what He's doing.

It was the Feast of the Holy Family. Deacon Al began to talk about his mother - that she was not Catholic, but had agreed to have him baptized.

This message was for Kendra. I knew it. But did she? Was she even paying attention? I simply prayed as he continued, speaking of how his mother was the parent to teach him about the Catholic Faith - and how one day, because of her study of the Faith in order to properly dispense such to her son, his mother decided to convert to the Catholic Faith herself.

Brandon was baptized. We went home and had a little family celebration. I said nothing about the obvious. I dared not get in God's way with my silly little foot in my silly little mouth.

Shut up and brush your teeth

The next morning, Kendra approached me while I was brushing my teeth. "That was interesting what that man - what do you call him, a deacon? - what he said yesterday." she said. 

I kept brushing.

"Did you ever feel like someone was talking directly to you, like you were the only one in the room - even though there were a bunch of people around?" she asked.

I kept brushing - wanting to pop.

"What do you call that?"

A question. I asked God to help me not louse it up. "That's the Holy Spirit Kendra." I said, "It's called the Holy Spirit - working in the deacon and working in you."

I went back to brushing. Very clean teeth that day.

"I feel like I'm supposed to do something. What am I supposed to do?" she asked honestly.

Again, doing my best to finally trust God, I told her exactly what to do. Okay, not really. "I don't know Kendra. That's between you and God. I suppose you should ask the Holy Spirit what to do next."

I went back to brushing, and thanking God quietly.

Things were about to get really different around our house.

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Other posts in the Viva la Vida series

My Wife, Lazarus: No, really!

Early morning. January 3, 2011. My wife, Kendra, asked me to take her to an Urgent Care facility near our house. She was having difficulty breathing. A lot of difficulty.

Urgent Care sent us to the emergency room of a nearby hospital, suspecting that she had developed pneumonia.

Kendra was admitted and began breathing treatments. By the evening, it appeared as though she was starting to do better. We agreed that I would go home for the evening and take care of a few things at home.

An Unwelcome Surprise

When I arrived at the hospital the next morning, I expected to find Kendra doing well and possibly discussing what I believed would be a not-too-distant check-out. I could not have been more mistaken.

I entered the room to find her sitting up, bent over and struggling top breathe. There was a nurse in the room who told me that she had "a very rough night" and that they were getting ready to bring her to ICU. I asked a couple of questions that didn't get answered.

As the nurse left the room, I went to speak with Kendra. She could not talk. She could only nod to acknowledge my questions, and she seemed to have a problem doing even that.

"Do you want me to call the priest?" I asked.

Now, Kendra does not like "attention", and I fully expected to have to plead a bit with her about the urgency of the matter. Not this time. She immediately and emphatically nodded in the affirmative. The emphatically part scared me quite a bit.

Things began to happen fast. She was whisked to ICU. I was told that another doctor, a specialist, had been called in to take over. I was also told that the doctor "might intubate her". The "might" part was confusing to me and did not convey the full seriousness of the particular situation at hand.

Just outside of her ICU room, I confirmed via phone that Our pastor was just minutes from the hospital. Just as the call ended, I was introduced to that specialist I mentioned.

Physician, Be Profiled

He spoke very quickly and told me that he was indeed going to intubate Kendra. I'm sure he said more, but it was all a haze. I asked him how long before this had to happen, just as I saw a cart and a team of medical people entering her room. He glanced at them and then told me "Right now."

I told him that our priest was minutes away and asked if this could be delayed just for a bit. "No." he said.

Honestly, I "profiled" him. His obvious Middle-Eastern appearance and accent led me to believe that this just might be a case where he didn't "get it" or understand our Faith.

I guess he read that in my expression, because he put both hands on my shoulders, looked squarely at me and said, "We are going to do everything we can to save her."

Wait. What? This unexpected statement rushed around in my head multiple times, and I nearly fell down. I was not prepared to hear those words.

ARDS is BAD

"Is it really that bad?", I asked. "Yes", he said, "It's really that bad. She has developed ARDS. Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. I have to get started now."

Our pastor, Fr. Larry, met me in the ICU waiting room, and soon we were told that we could see Kendra. The doctor told me that Kendra had just been sedated so we had just a few minutes to see her. A tear formed in Kendra's eye as Fr. Larry gave her the Anointing of the Sick, and soon she was asleep.

A little later I asked the doctor how long she would be on the ventilator. I am the one who still didn't "get it". ARDS has a mortality rate of about 40%. For someone who already has other health complications (as Kendra does), that rate climbs to about 60%.

Her doctor's response was "If she is able to come off of the ventilator, we will not know for about a week, and that won't be the end of this either."

Like Lazarus

Throughout the day, many friends came by to visit. Kendra slept through all of them.

Very late that evening our parochial vicar, Fr. Vincent, came by. I explained what I could to him and told him that she was "completely out of it."

Fr. Vincent came closer to Kendra, opposite the side of the bed where I was standing. He looked down at her for a moment, raised his hand over her and said firmly, "Kendra, this is Father Vincent."

Immediately, and I mean immediately, Kendra thrust her arm upward and grabbed onto Fr. Vincent's hand.

We prayed for her, and I again saw a tear forming in her eye. Fr. Vincent spoke to her, and she acknowledged by shaking her head. He told her that she was going to be okay, and she nodded in the affirmative.

All this time, her eyes were still closed. And when he left the room that evening, she was again "out of it."

That "Lazarus moment" was extremely powerful in ways that I will not be able to convey here.

And much of what happened during this time belongs in my Vida la Vida series, but that will have to wait.

Oh, the ventilator? Kendra came off of it on the third day. She was home within a week.

She will always have certain complications, and we have to be more cautious with her overall health, but her recovery was really miraculous.

Even her doctor remarked to me that "she must have strong faith" and that he had "never seen anyone begin recovery from ARDS so quickly."

The risen Lord renews this mission ("In my name . . . they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.") and confirms it through the signs that the Church performs by invoking his name. These signs demonstrate in a special way that Jesus is truly "God who saves." (CCC 1507)